You know, I was finally able to open the doors of my heart and tell my friends, generally, what happened to me and I felt so much better. At first I was seriously hesitant, especially how the first person I told reacted. Okay, so the first person I told was NQ. It was sort of random. He was telling me all about his story, so I decided to share mine with him. And we were in the train, heading home that day. So apparently his story was kinda light-hearted, typical of him to remain calm even in the worst situations. But anyway, I told him about what happened to me. And I wasn't looking at him when I was talking. Then I finished talking and looked at him. Omg. He had this super serious look on his face and I was seriously stunned. I think it was the first expression he had on that was totally unreadable. Yeah, but it kind of shocked me, no wait, actually it shocked me to the core. The only emotions I could detect from him after that was a little of anger and sadness? But that doesn't really make sense. Maybe he was thinking of her. Oh my. Ah, but anyway, he only kept up that face for a split second, so I'm still wondering if I saw wrongly. Eh, then after that I told Rachel and Yanqi and then my classmates. I think with each time I talk about it, I feel less depressed about the whole thing. But I cannot deny the fact that I'm feeling extremely empty now.
There were times when I was betrayed by my friends, when I faced indescribable emotions and even times when I was seriously depressed. But not once, have I truly understood what the meaning of heartbreak, not until now.
Relationships should NEVER become too one-sided, or the result will never be any farther from disaster. This is what I think. For friendships, BGR and family ties and all that. I have always believed it. So I know, I cannot let you continue like this. Ming Sheng told me that day "Why start a relationship when you know it's going to end?" Or something like that, and it resounded in my head for days. Then I asked myself, do I regret what I did? Yes, cause I lost a friend. No, cause I won't be torturing myself any further.
In a burst of rationality that day, I was thinking all of this in a rush in that very second you told me. I wanted to say, "Please don't do this to me. I don't wanna lose a friend like you." But no, being the same idiotic person I am, I chose to say that single word that I knew you would never want to hear. I wanted to say, "Sorry, it will be unfair to you if I led you on." But I said,"Omg, I such a saint for doing this for you." Well, not literally but, yeah. And no, I did it for myself. Humans are, after all, selfish creatures. If someone is seriously and totally unselfish, I think this person is either too kind for their own good, or too dumb to notice. But that is generally impossible for humans. And I am human. And for once, I rather you hate me, but you didn't, you just turned away. And when I saw you cry the first time, I wanted to cry too. But I didn't have the right to.
Yes, I admit, I liked you before. And it was to the extend that I would wake up in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep cause I was thinking of you. But I stopped, I stopped that very day she spoke to me. And I can still remember how I felt. Like my heart had fallen from the hundredth story and shattered into a million pieces. Like I could never return to my original state. And do you know what happened to me? I started studying. Can you imagine me, the biggest slacker of all time, studying? And it was like studying was anesthetic, like it could numb all the pain. When I studied, I forgot all the pain my heart was bearing. I forgot all the emotions I harboured. And it was the only time my heart stopped crying.
Yes, I continued to be the happy-go-lucky person I was in school. Yes, I had times when I was watching a movie and realised my vision was blurring cause I was tearing. But months. That was how long I took to stop. And even with my determination, I could only succeed completely at the beginning of last year. Can you imagine what you have caused in my life? I'm fed up. I want my friend back, but you won't give him back. Then after the effort I put in to build all the walls around my heart, you step into my life just as easily as usual and tilted my balance. I don't wanna think no more. The world ain't the only thing that's spinning, my mind is, too
And now you've said it. The forbidden words. I know why you said them, but I cannot forgive you for saying them, not now. Maybe a little while more. But I dunno how am I gonna talk to you now. When I think of you right now, I feel like tearing out your neck. I'll need time. A lot of it. When I've calmed down, I'll find you. So just don't contact me for a while. You know me. And another thing, you're not the only one that's hurt, you have no right to say something like that to me. Yes, I can accept that it's partially my fault too. But I cannot pardon you for insulting me and my friends in this way. Please learn respect. I cannot understand why my choice of a friend was so terrible and I cannot condone your actions.
