No. 1: I want things to remain the way they were.
No. 2: I don't want to feel so miserable anymore.
No. 3: I want to stop trying to suppress these feelings.
No. 4: I wanna be a true friend.
Have you ever been caught between two things?
All my life, I have.
When I was young, I often swung to the two extremes of my character. I could be very quiet one moment, the next, I'm bouncing off walls. Maybe it was the events taking place around me, maybe it was just my personality. When I was bullied, when I was in pain, when I fell sick, I don't like to say it out. Call me dumb, but yeah, that was me. Cause it felt like confessing my pain, my sorrow, my hurt, it made me feel weak. And I didn't like feeling weak. Perhaps for the same reason, I don't like feeling like I cannot control something. Cause I feel helpless, powerless and yes, weak.
It happened that when I was young, there were many who use to love to bully me. Quite funny to think of it now. And the unbelievable thing was, I actually just kept mum. And although I was raging inside, I just kept on holding to the "honourable" lie that I was just magnanimous in giving second chances. So I stood between doing what was "right" and standing up for myself. That was my lie. The truth was, I was just a coward. One who knew what her heart wanted but did the opposite cause she wanted to offend no one. I was just standing between the hard path which would be mentally straining, and the easy path which required me to do nothing. And I chose the latter.
Now, well, I'm no longer bullied la. Haha.. Perhaps I do the bullying instead:) But anyway, I feel as if I'm still standing in the shoes of the young girl ten years back. And I made my decision. Not sure whether it's correct or not, but I'm gonna take the risk. For some time, I haven't been able to be a true friend to someone because I was getting in my own way. But now I can, and I will. I will no longer be that coward I was ten years ago, not fighting for what I knew I wanted and taking the easy way out. This time, I will be honest with myself. And I shall no longer waver.
Reason No. 5: My God sent me an angel.
Reason No. 6: My God assured me it will be the right choice.
Reason No. 7: I knew all along that I needed to do this.
