It is used instead of speech.
It is used to reinforce speech.
It is used to display or betray emotions.
Somehow, I can still remember the time when I didn't give a damn about how others thought and demanded my way for everything. Young and naive. Sometimes I kinda miss those days. At least I was completely honest with everything I did. And I felt satisfied saying out exactly how I felt. Well, it was sorta bitchy in a way. But I've changed. Like me, everyone will definitely reaching a turning point in life whereby you meet someone who creates change in you, regardless of the change's nature.
In Sec 1, I met so many of these kind of people that change was simultaneous and spontaneous. It was like second nature to me. And it was around then which I started to look and learn. For most, it's probably almost an instinct to copy others. They look, they like, they learn. This is the general rule for most. But it is also because of this that we learn to respect those who are able to detach themselves from this rule. Many yearn so much to be accepted by others, they don't mind resorting to disgusting means. Looking back, I feel sad that I had once lived my life like this.
There was ever a period of time when I had myself completely detached from everyone else, with both internal and external forces working. But when I think of it now, I can no longer remember the hurt I had felt back then. Perhaps it's because I had, after all, spent four years of my life with the people who had hurt me back then unknowingly. They were not the mastermind, but it still hurt. Back then I couldn't understand why people travelled in 'packs', especially girls. And I couldn't understand why these 'packs' always had leaders. It made them look like some gang or something. It when I finally understood something that I realised why.
Humans are a bunch of very scared people.
If you actually think about it, you will never completely understand something because it is impossible to completely know everything about it. Just take your handphone for example. Do you know the number of molecules which bump against it per second? Can you predict when the next text message is received? Can you prevent your phone from spoiling? We are educated, and we are aware of so many things. We know, we just know so much. The thing is, what can we do?
What can we do if the world really ends in 2012? What can we do if there is a tsunami tomorrow? What can we do if half the world dies because of a new epidemic? What can we do?
I can't do anything. Hence I fear.
I wasn't always as observant as I am now. I couldn't care less about how others felt. It was only after I got hurt by countless people that I started to ask myself if the problem was in me. Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn't. I have no proof and am not willing to find any prove that determines either. I'm not as confident as I seem also. Many a time my internal monologue contained so much doubt I knew it was ridiculous to even think of.
But then I didn't want to be hurt anymore, so I did what most people did. I learnt how to blend in. To follow the crowd. It wasn't a hard feat, but I didn't realise I was doing it until I looked back at myself a year ago from then. I grew so used to reading expressions and emotions that I forgot to check on my own. I did things that others liked, said things that others liked and stuff. It wasn't for long though. Haha.. I couldn't stand myself. I was just so fake. Like a idiot following others. And after a long internal struggle, I managed to return to myself. Not that I could stop running the constant check on other's emotions, it was so integrated in me that I was unconsciously doing so. And not a good thing. Absolutely not. The bad part comes in when 1) You start to be VERY aware of things. As for the things that you cannot predict, you are scared. 2) You tend to filter out the good points of people and look at the terrible points, which you are able to see more prominently than others. 3) You tend to copy the behavior, demeanor or traits of people whom you think are good and lose yourself in the process.
This year, I met someone whom I felt very intrigued by. Against all odds, he never fails to surprise me. In the beginning, he piqued my interest because there was something about him that seemed a little weird. Maybe it was that he seemed to be living in his own world. Ignorance is bliss, huh? Perhaps it was because he seemed the total opposite of me, it was very easy, yet very difficult to read him. When I thought he'll turn left, he'll turn right. And when I dismissed the thought of him doing something, he did it. It was so frustrating, yet somehow amusing. The amazing thing was he never seemed bothered by the things happening around him. That earned him my respect. It was something I could never do, detach myself entirely from the things around me. I can't, especially when it concerns someone I love very much. Never did I think that he would become a close friend of mine.
Like a flower undisturbed by the wind, he'll just carry on with whatever he was doing before the wind approached. Amazing right? I was stunned especially by his friends. Perhaps it was the difference in their characters, but he was so different from them it felt weird seeing them together. But then it made me understand one thing. He is a pacifist. And for a lot of things, he hides his feelings and suppresses his emotions. So it's not that he's unaffected. He is. But he just refuses to show it. So over the years, he became someone close to everyone, yet close to no one. And very probably, he'd never had a friend whom he had told everything he felt at the moment to before. Something, again, that I do not agree with.
Four years ago, I met someone similar. The only difference is that she was very uncertain about herself. Very so. I never liked her way of doing things, but it didn't stop me from being friends with her. I cannot remember the number of times we talked about this topic, or the number of times we argued over it. Haha.. Or the number of times she lost the argument. But I saw it, the whole process of her becoming someone like that. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't change it. And because of the difference in our characters, I cannot remember the number of times I got frustrated with her. But thinking back, I never regretted our friendship. And I will never.
Somewhere in the middle of Secondary school, I lost something very precious to me. And I learnt to hold on. I kept tight reigns on everything. I refused to lose my friends to someone I didn't like. I refused to budge when I started an argument. I refused, I simply refused to comply to others when it meant letting go something I love. Childish, you say? Yeah. But i dismissed it with what many have said, cherish what you have today because you don't know what happens tomorrow.
Very probably, this is the reason for the start of increasing immature relationships, the reason people take up a religion, the reason people hold on tightly to the things and the people whom they believe in, whom they love. They want to believe, to believe that even if something happens tomorrow, at least I have these beloved things. What people fail to realise is how shallow some things are.
People take on loveless one-night stands. Children below the age of ten are engaging in sexual activities that their parents have not even heard of in their lives. Teenagers take relationships for granted, they rebel against their parents, they get into relationships which they know they are not serious about, they make 'friends' who are close but not at all. People are religious but not in faith. People cling on to money like it is worth more than their lives. People love material goods more than their family and friends.
We know, we know, we know that one day, we will all die. And people fear, because it's something we cannot control. So we come up with the same slogan. Cherish today. But do people really know what is cherishing? Or what they should cherish? We hold things close to our hearts, yes. But what things? Emotionless carnal pleasure? Obsessive narcissism? Acceptance from people you don't even care about? The champion which reigns is money.
Brothers, sisters, family. They fight over their parents inheritance, their estate. They go to court and fight over these things. It really makes me wonder. Did they mourn over their parents death? Are they actually delighted that their parents have passed on so they can finally get the inheritance? Were they actually waiting for their parent's deaths? I think, if I ever had children like that, I would wonder how could I have destroyed them. And if there was ever one day that I could meet them, I would apologise to them for not being a good parent. If there was a chance I could turn back time, I would not spare them the rod and spoil them. Perhaps now I understand why my parents use to be so harsh on me. And I love them for it.
I laugh out loud at times, at how ridiculous I feel when I get angry with someone for breaking or spoiling something of mine. Perhaps it was a precious gift from someone I love. But if you think about it, isn't it utter foolishness to love something more than someone? Is that thing really that important? So many people, especially teenagers, they do not love their partners. They just love the prospect of falling in love. They fall in love with love. Not the person. What they fail to realise is that this 'love' is a fleeting feeling. When it's over, what happens? Break-up? Divorce? And the funny thing is they actually have the cheek to say, "I don't love you anymore." The problem is, have they ever loved the person? Or did they love falling in love with the person?
Sometimes, we should just open our eyes and look around us, to see, to feel, to understand. But knowing means that you'll be scared. But being compared to not knowing anything, which would you prefer? At least, you know, you are able to see, you are able to understand, you are able to feel. Some are not.
A blind man cannot see that he is blind.
An imbecile cannot understand that he is not as smart as others.
A heartless person cannot feel emotions.
We can see, we can feel, we can understand. But we are not. Why? Because we are a world of ignorant people who care more about themselves than others. And we do not realise the consequences in doing so. You are blessed with a healthy, complete body with a heart and a mind of your own. Use it. Use it well.
